Depression and Laughs

A Night At Studio Lormo

2009-10-18T17:53:00.006-05:00

My parents' spent the night with me in my tiny STUDIO APARTMENT last night.

I didn't know they were planning to spend the night!!! I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

My apartment is SMALL you guys. And um, my dad's disappointment with me, is like a mist in the air around him. And worry. And confusion. And concern.

So that's fun. And I got to spend every minute of the night in this disappointment mist.

AND. AND! I HAVE NO CABLE, NO CONVERTER BOX, NOTHING. NO TV YOU GUYS. JUST STATIC.

But I do have a DVD player. They actually watched Hustle N' Flow, which I never returned to Blockbuster, and by accident ended up owning. It's hard out there for a pimp.

But at least they watched something. I pretended to be deathly ill and took a nap.

Then, somehow I ever so slightly made my deep-seated desire to sleep in my own bed clear, and so my dad slept on the couch. He said he didn't mind at all, but I felt like a jerk. But he really said he didn't care and he did fall right to sleep.

And, I'm sorry but I love my bed you guys. I did not want to sleep on the couch.

BUT IT WAS ALL SO WEIRD.

But because I do actually have the flu (wasn't feeling too bad, but milked it so they would back off a little), so I think he felt bad and let me sleep in the bed BUT WITH MY MOM.

But any configuration you think of is WAY TOO INTIMATE.

I mean, my mom and I actually had a nice chat. Kinda like a slumber party while the grouch slept on the couch. Haha that rhymes! I rule.

Anyway.

Next time they try to sleep over, I am going say I have ebola and they simply canno because every visit with them is accompanied with the underlying tone of: WHAT THE FUCK IS LORI DOING WITH HER LIFE SHE IS DOOMED.

I am going to have to take a fist full of klonopin to recover.

So anyway we went to sleep and it was fine because sleep is fine, bt then we awoke at 7:15am. It was my fault, I had to use the bathroom. I woke everyone up. However, I was in a surprisingly good mood. Overjoyed with the near future of my own space back I think.

But then, my mom noticed that my sink in the kitchen wasn't draining. So my dad, bless his god damn heart, decided to fix it. Which ended up with broken parts, two anxious and rushed trips to Home Depot, and he insisted on sawing a plastic pipe when instead we could have gotten this expandable one, but that cost more money so NO!

I know you are dying to hear more about my plumbing problems.

Well you're gonna.

My dad worked on that sink for 3 hours. Not his fault, shitty pipes. Heh.

And god bless my dad for that.

And god bless my parents. They love me and god bless them for that goddammit. They are just terrified for me. Or something.

But godammit, does their love have to be so painful and tinged with doom? Can't we just pretend everything little thing is gonna be alright?

Because you never know anyway. I could have a Wall Street job and that Enron guy coulda stolen all my money and I'd be in the same position I am now.

So can we all just relax about the economy? The world's going to hell anyway. Let's just try to enjoy the ride.

Come on people smile on your DAUGHTER and all that shit.

But I love you Mom and Dad goddammit. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Maybe I should blog.

2009-06-16T15:41:00.001-05:00

Or not.

The Tale of the Worn-Out Bootstraps

2009-05-05T12:29:00.002-05:00

So, the other night, I was arguing with this guy about depression.

I was saying that it isn't always a matter of attitude, that it is in fact, a real illness and often requires more than just an attitude adjustment.

But, he's one of those guys that thinks you can just think yourself out of depression. That it's not a real illness. That you should just cheer up. That you should "just pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

However, now I'm noticing that he might be having trouble supporting his own argument.

He tried to pull himself up by his bootstraps, but he just pulled them right off and fell down.

What's the Point?

2009-04-18T00:53:00.001-05:00

I have no idea.

Hot Yoga Needs to Cool It

2009-04-15T11:45:00.013-05:00

dear lori,

I teach hot yoga in NYC. The owner of the studio is a mad woman. She is the soup nazi of yoga - banning paying customers left and right, canceling yoga classes last minute with no warning, yelling and cursing at people about their bad negative energy when really she is the one creating this negative energy. From one BA in psych to another, I think she is certainly bipolar suffering with massive paranoid ideation as she believes almost everyone is stealing from her and also she believes her teachers are "stealing" the students. Now here's my problem: with the economy tanking and my hard earned BA in psych worth a pittance, I must hold on to this job. It supplies me with a "paycheck" (i hate that word!) also it gives me a very hot place I can practice physical yoga in. Can you give me advice on how to cope with the stress of a job that is supposed to free me from stress while also simultaneously coping with banal life stuff. For example, I cant pay bills anymore. I just cant do it. it bores me silly and there is just so many of them. I cant even pull them out of my mailbox anymore. I feel alone.

Dear Alone,

First off you are not alone. I am also bored INSANE by financial issues, much to my father's disappointment. I just want to drink Schlitz and watch Law and Order SVU reruns and don't see why I should be bothered by things like "taxes" and "bills" and "living."

Also, I kinda like the word "paycheck." I would like it if people called me that. Like hey Paycheck, you are lookin' good today! But these are my issues. Sorry, I'll try to stay focused here.

You are in a very difficult situation and it is very sad that your boss is ruining your life. I hate her.

I would suggest you try yoga, but you're already doing that.

My favorite way of dealing with a boss I don't like, is to call in sick repeatedly until I get fired. But I don't recommend that course of action for you. It hasn't worked well for me. So don't do that.

I think maybe your boss is just too damn hot. Maybe she's not cut out for being so hot all the time. I know when I get too hot, I also get cranky and start having paranoid delusions of persecution.

So why not turn down the heat a little? How about teaching lukewarm yoga instead?

Also, I suggest you bring your boss a nice cold beverage and lace it with Xanax. That will calm her down.

If you're not comfortable drugging your boss, then I think that whenever she starts being unruly you just should just shout "NAMASTE" at her over and over and over again until she gets the point. She's into yoga, that should work.

And regarding the bills, I like to throw mine into the garbage unopened. I would just leave them in the mailbox, but then it gets too full and I might miss something important, which I wouldn't really because nobody gets anything good in the mail anymore.

So, I suggest you subscribe to a magazine, just so there's something besides bills in your mailbox. This will make your trips to the mailbox more pleasant.

Maybe subscribe to Psychology Today, because they might have better advice then I do. Probably not, but maybe. Surely as a fellow BA in Psych, you will enjoy it, at least. And, hopefully there will be an article in there about how to enjoy paying your bills.

So drug your boss and subscribe to a magazine. I think I've pretty much solved all your problems. No need to thank me, it's just my gift.

Yours truly,
Dr. Lori, BA in Psych

Hey you! Yeah you!

2009-04-14T10:49:00.002-05:00

Ask me a question, so I have something to talk about.

I have a BA in Psychology. So, I can help you with almost anything.

If you want to be anonymous - email me at lorimocha3000@gmail.com

Or just ask in the comments section, if you prefer.

Come on! Do it.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

Does Snuggle Creme Cure Depression?

2009-04-13T16:27:00.007-05:00

Ok sweet babies, this is too funny not to share. I was recently contacted by Katie, a Snuggle Creme advocate. Katie asked me to advertise Snuggle Creme to my readers.

I guess she thinks Snuggle Creme can cure depression? Use Snuggle Creme and say goodbye to depression!

And, when I asked Katie how she found my site, I got no reply.

Here's what Katie wrote to me (the first of THREE emails):

Hi Lori,

I'd like to extend an offer to you and your readers of Depression and Laughs a two dollar discount on Snuggle Creme fabric softener. Snuggle creme is a new product that adds two luxurious aromas to laundry time while softening your clothes. I've put together a news release with a coupon for two dollars off, information about Snuggle Creme, and some cute little Snuggle bear widgets you can pop onto your blog to share with your readers and give them easy access to the coupon:

http://snugglecreme.com/newsrelease

Please let me know if you need anything and if you're able to post.

Thank you so much,
Katie

Oh and Katie could not, of course, offer me any compensation for advertising her very important and relevant product.

Why on earth did Katie think that I would be interested in advertising her fabric softener for free?

And why does she think my readers would be interested in "cute little Snuggle bear widgets"?

I mean, I do love fabric softener. But how did she know?

So there you go, Katie. Now all my readers know about your exciting fabric softener offer.

Who can be sad when their clothes smell so damn good? I guess it really does make good sense.

Thanks Katie! Smell ya later!

(Special thanks to Katrin for the bear caption!)

Hang on...

2009-04-13T15:19:00.002-05:00

I gotta run to the gas station.

I'll write when I get back!

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

I'm Political!

2009-04-10T13:51:00.003-05:00

Check out my first political opinion column published by
The Alexandria Independent!

I am on a roll!

What will I do next?

Star in a sitcom probably! (Oh I hope so!)

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

Friday! It is good? Sure.

2009-04-10T10:52:00.006-05:00

Ok, yesterday was not good for me. I spent the day thinking sad, crazy, anxious thoughts.

But now it's Friday, so I think it's a good time to count my blessings:

• my newly improved relationship with my mother
• kittens
• a freelance gig
• new friends! (hi Spike and Lindy and Rick!)
• old friends! (hi everybody else!)
• the sun is out
• a room of my very own
• klonopin
• Febreze
• cable TV (special shout out to Law & Order SVU and Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job)
• popsicles
• bed
• and, I'm famous (haha): MinnPost.com

What are you thankful for?

Gracious Gas Station Girl

2009-04-08T09:39:00.001-05:00

In order to fuel my bachelor pad, I sometimes have to leave it. Which sucks because I prefer the great indoors.

But, once in awhile I have to leave and go to the gas station for supplies. Yes, the gas station, because it is the closest thing and I don't have a car. I should go to the grocery store because it's hard to eat healthy at the gas station. But, the grocery store is 8 blocks away and the gas station is 2 blocks away. My diet is definitely suffering.

Here's what I usually get there:

a pizza
Corn Nuts
2 donuts
12-pack of diet cola
Milk Duds

And, just so I don't die from malnutrition, I get one of those Odwalla fruit smoothie type drinks.

I must admit, I do enjoy my gas station diet, as unhealthy as it is.

But what I love most about my trips to the gas station is one of the girls that works there. She honestly seems HAPPY to be my cashier. And I love people like that. I mean, it's really impressive! Here she is, working possibly the most thankless and tedious job in the world, and she smiles at me like she MEANS it. I can tell she's not faking, and it really brightens my day.

But why is she so happy?! And why can't I be like that?

Yet, I expect that soon the world will crush her spirit and she'll be bitter and surly like anyone working at a gas station SHOULD be.

However, for now, she remains unbroken.

Someday I might ask what her secret is because she obviously knows something I don't.

But I probably won't ask because I'm anti-social. No, I'll probably just wait and see how long it takes for her to get broken down.

I imagine it won't be long. But then, I have a bad attitude. Not like her.

Gas station girl, I salute you.

Uncomfortably Numb

2009-04-07T15:14:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday was exciting, what with my article at MinnPost.com.

It was interesting, because I had no idea that depression blogging was a trend! How exciting for all of us sad people.

But of course, the magic is already gone for me, and I'm back to feeling sorta blah and restless. A very "oh who cares?" feeling that is way too common for me.

I think that's a common problem for all us depressives, we never give ourselves enough credit. Or any credit at all.

But I guess feeling just numb is a little bit better than feeling absolutely suicidal...or is it?

Because when I just feel sorta blah, I really don't know what to do with myself.

So I don't feel bad, but I don't feel great either.

It kinda makes me miss being suicidally depressed—at least then I have a clear focus.

YOU are my new BFF!

2009-04-06T17:04:00.004-05:00

Well hello new readers from MinnPost.com!

I am very happy to see you!

Ok, so I'm not actually happy. I'm depressed.

But I'm still glad to see you.

Wasn't that a such a nice article by Justin Piehowski?

Please stop by again soon and we'll be best friends forever!

And, I swear to "god" I'm writing something super fantastic super soon.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

My Deep Dark Secret

2009-03-31T05:25:00.009-05:00

Sweet babies, I have something to confess and I'm scared to tell you but, ok, here goes:

I like evangelical leader Joyce Meyer. And, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Ok, I am a little bit ashamed because I don't really believe in "the lord."

And, I know, I know, I KNOW, what some of you are gonna say. You're gonna say but Lori, you make fun of "the lord" all the time!

And it's true, I don't really believe in "the lord."

But I'd like to! It's a nice thought, isn't it? To think that there's a magical baby in the sky that is looking out for us?

And sure, when it's convenient and I'm desperate, sure, then I might say a little prayer.

But, I discovered Joyce in my darkest hours of depression, and her words were like a shot of morphine after a gun shot to the knee cap.

I find her advice, her spirit and her attitude to be so comforting. Her message, to me, really seems to be less about religion, and more about believing in yourself and your own worth.

Joyce has struggled through A LOT. Sexually abused by her father as a child, she struggled with drug abuse and bad relationships. But she overcame all that and triumphed.

Even though she was told that women could not be preachers, she went on to be selected by Time magazine as one of the most influential evangelical leaders in America, and now helps people all over the world.

So, when she tells me that I CAN be a winner in life, that I don't have to settle for second best, that I don't have to live a miserable life, and that I deserve to be happy and that it WILL happen, if I just don't give up—I feel calmed and hopeful.

And even though I'm not a believer in "the lord," that doesn't mean I can't benefit from her encouragement.

And, I love her mom hair, her Dress Barn outfits and her dime store bling.

And when she tells me that I may not be where I want to be, but at least I'm not where I was, well, I have to say amen!

So if you're struggling with depression, you might want to consider giving Joyce a little listen.

If she can comfort a cynical non-believer like me, you never know, maybe she can help you too.

Moving Tip - Throw Away Everything You Own

2009-03-25T19:54:00.006-05:00

Dear Dr. Lori,

I am moving soon and all the packing makes me anxious. I keep thinking how angry my cats are going to get. I spent an hour yesterday just trying to pare down their toy collection. Then I got drunk. Moving day is fast approaching and I have packed a total of 5 boxes. Do you have any helps for me? And please don't say get your "friends" to help. I don't like people touching my stuff.

Truly,
Fucked!

Dear Fucked!,

My first advice is to never move because moving sucks.

Moving is the worst experience that most people will ever encounter - aside perhaps from being the victim of a violent crime. I know that I would prefer to be robbed at gunpoint rather than having to move.

I was robbed at gunpoint and it was over very quickly. But moving takes forever!

However, unfortunately we aren't often given the option of violent crime instead of moving, so you just gotta suck it up and do it.

Getting drunk is an excellent way to deal with the stress of moving and you already know this. So, just stay drunk until you are moved into your new place.

And then, once you are moved in, you should get drunk to celebrate.

Getting drunk is a good way to handle most any stressor.

Who cares about moving when you're drunk? Moving just becomes a party when mixed with alcohol.

So get drunk, and then simply throw away everything you own, and start fresh at the new place.

Do you really need all those books and knick knacks and furniture you have collected? No. You do not. Throw it all away and then you won't have anything to move.

If you don't want to throw it all away, then you have to let other people touch your stuff. Why don't you want people to touch your stuff anyway? And why did you put "friends" in quotes? Sound like you don't really have any friends.

Or are all your friends contagious lepers? Sounds like maybe you need some more advice about why all your friends are lepers. Write again and we will tackle why it is that you won't let lepers touch your dumb stuff.

And don't worry about your cats getting angry. Cats are always angry. That's just how they are. They are gonna be angry no matter what you do, so, that's their problem, not yours. Get used to it and learn to embrace their anger.

Good luck with the move. Stay drunk and let me know how it goes.

Yours truly,
Dr. Lori, BA in Psych

Bad Blogger!

2009-03-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry sweet babies, that I've been such a slacker blogger.

But until you pay me for my blogging, I have to make a living making name tag catalogs, which interferes with my blogging.

So, if you pay me to blog, and then I will blog every single day I swear.

But until then, it might be sporadic while I try to make some money.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

Avoid Your Parents

2009-03-13T08:40:00.001-05:00

dear lori- I haven't spoken to my mother in 7 months and yet I only feel mildly guilty. (btw I am Roman Catholic/Italian and Jewish) Is this normal? -lorider

Dear Lorider,

Like I've said before, you should never feel guilty about avoiding your parents. You didn't ask to be born.

Secondly, you surely didn't ask to be born to some crazy mixed religion parents. That's just them trying to double up on your guilt right there. They have a lot of nerve.

Here's the best religion to be: no religion.

If your parents insist on being some out-there religions, and can't even agree on one, that's not your fault either.

It's hard to talk to people that believe in magic, because they can win any argument with "but God said so." And how can you argue with that?

So don't call your mom more than once a year.

Also, it is my dream to marry a Jew. Can I say that? Is that wrong to say?

Yours truly,
Lori, Psych BA

Lying: Is it always wrong?

2009-03-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

dearest lori. I told a fugly woman at the bar I couldn't go home with her because my wife died recently. Both were lies. Can I call her tomorrow? signed - Confused

Dear Confused,

First off, I am opposed to the term fugly. That's not a nice thing to say, even if it's true. Just say you weren't attracted to her. Fugly women deserve love too, anyway.

That doesn't mean you have to go home with her just to be nice.

In general, I have no problem with lying to get out of awkward situations. Or to simply make yourself feel or look better. So the lies are fine.

But why do you want to call her? You think she will maybe look better another time? Or are you planning on feeling more desperate tomorrow? Are you planning to give her a make-over?

However, I say sure, call her, she might feel sorry for you because of your pretend dead wife and be an easy lay.

But not me. I wouldn't. I would be turned off by your pretend dead wife.

Don't express any real emotions until the third date, at least.

And, I don't wanna hear about your dead anybody until there's a ring on my finger.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

My Favorite Stage of Grief: Anger

2009-03-09T07:14:00.000-05:00

dear lori- which stage of the stages of grief am I on? kthanxbye -lorider

Lorider (if that is your real name),

Clearly, you are in the denial stage if you think I can help you.

My advice is to move onto the anger stage and never leave it.

Forget about the other stages: bargaining (pathetic) and depression (no fun) and acceptance (yeah right).

Stay angry for the rest of your life.

Anger will fuel you to get things done and/or just not give a damn. Either way, you win.

Yours truly,
Dr. Lori, Psych BA

PS - I can help you.

I Can Help You!

2009-03-06T05:35:00.005-06:00

Hey, I bet you didn't know that I have a BA in Psychology from the prestigious University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire, did you?

Well, I've decided I should put it to use. I want to help you with my important college degree, which is otherwise just sitting there not doing anything.

So, feel free to ask me your deep, dark personal questions, because I can help you, with my BA in Psych.

To start us out, "Roger" recently wrote and asked me:

Lori I'm going to a wedding in Atlanta in two weeks and am staying at a hotel, even though my parents live there and offered me shelter. Should I feel guilty?

Roger, you should never feel guilty about avoiding your parents. You didn't ask to be born.

However, I do think that during these trying economic times, you might want to save up by crashing on your parent's couch.

But if I could afford a hotel? I would totally do it to avoid my parents. And I love my parents. But I would love them more from my hotel room.

Got a question for me? Email me at lorimocha3000 AT gmail.com

Um, am I gonna get spam from posting my email address? Because maybe this isn't worth it then.

No seriously, email me with your problems. I can help you.

No really. I mean it.

For Your Health

2009-03-03T18:03:00.005-06:00

I want to ram www.brulesrules.com down everyone's throat. It makes me laugh every single fucking time. Any of them. It is amazing new-ish comedy and you should look at it.

Here is MY tip for your health. I could only think of one tip, and it isn't actually a good tip AT ALL: Three Day Benders.

Three day benders are working well for me now. I can't find a job, so these benders are for you.

I am stimulating the economy by getting blackout drunk. FOR YOU.

I am embracing my inner Courtney Love FOR YOU.

I am ordering up hookers and blow FOR YOU.

Insanely Jealous

2009-02-27T15:02:00.003-06:00

I am insanely jealous of how funny Anne Sussman's story about bangs and pimps and reality tv is.

It's funnier than anything I could ever write. When I read her writing, I feel like I should just give up and let her take over doing all the writing.

SO JEALOUS.

My Midwestern Bachelor Pad

2009-02-26T14:27:00.005-06:00

It's snowing right now. This is what it's like for me living in Minneapolis, Minnesota. And it has snowed over and over and over ad nauseum this winter. Not to mention the month of sub-zero temps just behind us.

And there is no end to winter in sight. It ain't over until May.

People here like to pretend our winter ends in March. HA! Fools. They are in denial. It will snow at least twice in April, you better believe it. GUARANTEED.

I WILL BET ANYBODY 100 DOLLARS THAT IT WILL SNOW TWICE OR MORE IN APRIL! ANY TAKERS?

Ok so, I don't really live in an igloo, but sort of. But more like a snowbound bachelor pad. Even though I am a classy lady, I live in a bachelor pad.

And my bachelor pad has gotten out of hand.

I really do think it would be easier to just move out, than to actually clean it. For real. I am so serious.

And I have ants. I hate them so much. But then feel kinda bad for them, because, what do they know?

Who am I to think I'm better than an ant?

It's just gone too far here people. It's a filth of epic proportions. My closet has spread out over my entire place. Not that my place is big. But can I tell you that the west wing is in ruins!

And I'm not gonna clean it, no sir.

And I sleep on a $150 mattress. How comfortable do you think that is? That's right. Not very.

And I only own one fork. And most of the time, my refrigerator only contains empty card board diet cola boxes, and a gnawed on carrot.

Oh and empty popsicle boxes because I have been going on huge popsicle benders lately. I will eat 6 in a row, easy. Yes, I know, I am a regular Courtney Love over here. Except instead of discarded syringes littering the place, it's popsicle sticks lying everywhere. Because when I finish one, I just toss the stick on the floor. That's how I roll. And can I tell you how much I hate it when somebody says "that's how I roll"? Because I really do hate it. Stop saying it. Unless you're Jay-Z, don't say it. Even he probably shouldn't, but he could probably get away with it.

God I wish I was Jay-Z, cruising on my yacht in the sun with Beyonce. But I'm not. I'm just Lori, little midwestern lady. Sitting here in the cold.

I haven't seen the sun in days.

Lormo's Commentary on The Jump Off by Lil' Kim

2009-02-24T16:31:00.011-06:00

Intro:
Whoa! (Whoa!) Whoa! (Yeah)
Aiyyo Tim man this the jump off right here man! (Jump off!)
Whoa! (Whoa!) Whoa! (Whoa!) Whoa! (It's Queen Bee nigga)
It's the jump off (Come on)

Whoa. Look out people! Here comes Queen Bee! I am a little nervous.

I been gone for a minute now I'm back at the jump off
Goons in the club in case somethin' jumps off

Good. Gotta have goons around for a good party. Way to plan ahead, Kim.

And back up before the hive let the pump off
In the graveyard is where you get dumped off
All we wanna do is party (Woo!)

I like how Lil' Kim's idea of partying is dumping people off in the graveyard. She knows how to party right.

And buy everybody at the bar Bacardi (Woo!)
Black Barbie dressed in Bulgari

I prefer Grain Belt. But, I'll drink anything really, so thanks.

And nice outfit Kim! You look just like a black barbie! OMG!

I'm tryin to leave in somebody's Ferrari
Spread love that's what a real ma do
Keep it gangsta look out for her people
I'm the wicked bitch of the east, you better keep the peace (Aiyyo!)
Or out come the beast

Kim! I said you looked nice! Please! I am trying to keep the peace!

We the best still there's room for improvement

It's unusual and somewhat refreshing for a hip hop artist to admit that there is room for improvement! But I disagree.

YOU ARE PERFECT KIM, DON'T DUMP ME OFF IN THE GRAVEYARD!

Our presence is felt like a Black Panther movement
Seven quarter to eights back to back with 'em
And I'm sittin on chrome seven times platinum

Oh, I feel your presence. You are hard to ignore with all your fancy clothes and cars!

[Chorus: Lil' Kim & Mr. Cheeks]
This is for my peeps, with the Bentleys, the Hummers, the Benz
Escalades twenty three inch rims (Oh!)
Jumpin out the Jaguar with the Tims, keep it real
And live good, East coast West coast worldwide
All my playas in the hood stay fly
And if your ballin let me hear you say ride (ride)

RIDE! Too bad I don't have a car. My friend has a Ford Festiva though.

It's Lil' Kim and Timbaland niggas shit ya drawers (Come on)
Special delivery for you and yours (Now)
I rep for bitches he rep for boys (Uh ha)

I am a bitch requesting your representation, please. Wait. That doesn't sound very bitchy.

Ok, how about, REP ME NOW, QUEEN BEE! Still too nice?

Ok cut me some slack, I'm from Minnesota. But I can learn! I want to learn how to be a better bitch!

I wanna make people shit their pants just from seeing me! That would be so cool. Totally gross. But also cool.

If you rep for your hood then make some noise
I got my eye on the guy in the Woolrich coat

Yes, that guy is cute! Show him what you got, Kim!

Don't he know Queen Bee got the ill deep throat?
Uh! Let me show you what I'm all about
How I make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth....HO!!!!

HO!!! I am impressed! That Sprite can is like invisible!

But why a Sprite can? Can you also make a Pepsi can disappear? Or just Sprite?

Is Sprite your favorite?

Shake up the dice, throw down your ice (What)
Bet it all playa fuck the price
Money ain't a thing throw it out like rice

I have some loose change to throw around, but that's about it. I need your help so bad, Kim. Please help me.

Been around the world cop the same thing twice
Rub on my tits (Huh!) squeeze on my ass (Oooh!)
Gimme some UH!!! step on the gas (Ah)
Pop the cork and roll up the hash (Roll it!)
You know what we about, sex, drugs and cash

Oh, I know what you about. Me too! I am all about sex, drugs and cash. Even though I don't really get any of them very much.

Well, I'm also all about feeling sorry for myself. You can't rap about feeling sorry for yourself. This is why I don't rap.

HELP ME KIM! PLEASE REP ME!

Enter the world of the Playboy pin up girl
Buttnaked dressed in nothin but pearls

Can I wear jeans? Or a tracksuit! How about a tracksuit? I will feel more comfortable with some clothes on.

You wanna meet me cause ya, know I'm freaky
And ya, wanna eat me cause ya, say I'm sexy
Got a man in Japan and a dude in Tahiti

I had a guy in the suburbs of Minneapolis, but that's over now. I need your help so bad, Kim.

Believe me sweety I got enough to feed the needy
No need to be greedy I got mad friends that's pretty (Hey!)
Chicks by the layers (And) all different flavors (Woo!)

Oh yes! I wanna be one of the chick layers! Would you like a depressed, white chick layer?

Mafioso that's how this thing go (Yeah)
Now everybody come get with the lingo
Shake your body body, move your body body (Body body)
On the dancefloor don't hurt nobody body (Body body)

So we can just dance for awhile, like without murdering anybody? Because that sounds more fun to me.

I'm the one that put the "Range" in the "Rover"
When I'm steppin out the "Range" yo it's over

Oh it's over. I can see that. I just put the Festiva in the Ford. So not as impressive. At all. I cannot compete.

Comin through in the Brooklyn Mint gear
We 'gone do this just like Big Poppa was here

I am pouring out some of my diet cola in respect of Big Poppa. (Sorry that's all I had).

Yeah, to the what, yeah, oh, yo, keep your bread up, yeah, and worldwide
And stay fly nigga, yeah man, right right right right, Queen Bee, LB
Two thousand and, fuckin three, why not? we makin it hot
She back at it, why wouldn't she be? come on, yeah
B.I.G. Freaky Tah, yeah yeah yeah, L's, light 'em, oh...

Two thousand and fucking nine! And still relevant. Thank you, Queen Bee. And please call about being my rep.

I need your representation, SO BAD! Please help me. I'm begging you.

Arguing with "the lord"

2009-02-17T18:19:00.004-06:00

Me: I am bored and lonely.
"the lord": You shouldn't be. You have plenty to do.
Me: But I don't feel like doing it.
"the lord": Do it. Don't you want your dreams to come true?
Me: Yes but.
"the lord": But what? I'm so sick of your excuses.
Me: But I am sad because I'm all alone.
"the lord": You need solitude to do your work. You have to be alone right now to get things done. I already explained this to you and I thought we had a deal.
Me: But I'm lonely! And bored. I think maybe booze and sex will help.
"the lord": Lori, no. No! That is not what you should be doing right now. I won't allow it.
Me: But boys are the best distraction! They are more fun than pursuing my goals and...
"the lord": SHUT IT!
Me: NO! You shut it! I wanna screw around!
"the lord": I SAID SHUT IT! Do I have to knock you around again?
Me: No but...
"the lord": Oh fer chrissake, do you only learn the hard way?
Me: Yes. You know that. You know everything. But please be gentle with me! I'm trying. Sorta.
"the lord": Ok Lori, I will teach you a lesson. Again. Aren't these lessons getting boring? Wouldn't it be easier to just do what you should be doing?
Me: Yes, but, I don't like work. Or learning! You know that.
"the lord": Fine. Then I will have to teach you the hard way. Again.
Me: Fine! Good! Whatever!
"the lord": Oh Lori. What am I going to do with you?